Last week, I took the plunge to go no sugar/white flour/breads, pastas, etc. I actually made it through the part where you feel awful and began feeling awesome by Thursday. I felt like I could actually enjoy life again and enjoy it without the food I can't eat. I was coming up with yummy, healthy meals, snacks and drinks. Then Friday happened.
Friday was day 1 of the yard sale and two of my little ones and the son of my friend (who was having the yard sale with me) were selling cookies! I resisted all morning and then as I got busy, got hot, got tired...I weakened and ate one followed by another and another...lets just say...the total for the weekend ain't purty! I binged on cookies!
I am thankful that weight isn't an issue but the sugar took its tole. My cravings went through the roof and I caved this week. Hubby went shopping and wanted to try and experiment with allowing some sugar and limiting it and stuff. Well, I knew it wouldn't work...an addiction is an addiction. It would be like telling an alcoholic to only drink one drink a day and then make sure you eat and drink healthy the rest of the day. Might sound fine in theory but it doesn't account for the addiction....the all consuming DESIRE and NEED for more. I have had a ton of sugar and I feel HORRIBLE! I am so very disappointed in myself and how weak my character/will is.
As a Christian, this is especially important because I have access to the solution...I simply choose to not obey Him! Arg. God is more than able to help me overcome and all He is asking is that I simply obey and surrender it to Him. But I hang on for dear life and allow my flesh to have its way. It is ugly. This week, I had a wake up call. Bob and I were at odds once or twice and I felt like a whipped puppy with my tail between my legs.
I took some time to think about my life and I again didn't like what I saw. Me in control, screwing things up and doing things for the wrong reasons. The scripture about serving two masters came to mind. I cannot serve both God and my flesh. I have been serving my flesh. I have also grown up trying to please other people...mostly those that matter most to me...and I burned out on that this week. Something snapped inside and I realized to keep going this way is to lose my purpose in life...to lose myself completely.
My husband and I talked and I shared this stuff with him. He said his biggest frustration is that I don't finish what I start. He is right. I rarely finish what I start. I have started writing novels, books, articles, etc. and have not finished or brought them to publication. I have started home educating and have not been consistent. More of a in spurts type of thing. (I have about two months to change this or we are done). I have started different household systems and quit them one by one instead of sticking to one and slowly customizing it to fit us. I really could go on but you get the picture.
The most important area I have come to realize is that I do this spiritually, too. I begin a spiritual discipline or study or process and when it gets a little hard or something...I quit when what I need to do is push through it so that God can do that work in me which will bring about the change I so desperately want.
For example: I know I am to eat healthier because I cannot be as effective in what God has called me to do unless my mind is clear and I am not dragging around. So when I reach that point of quitting...I need to push through it...get on my knees and cry out to Him to help me not give into temptation...but to obey what He is asking...it is there that I will be able to lay it at the cross and die to my flesh. It is there I will begin to experience His LIFE!
So...where does that leave me? It leaves me again with the choice...whom will I serve? Will I continue to serve my flesh which is choosing death or will I choose to serve God and LIVE? I have squeeked by in life knowing I am saved, but only really having a nodding acquaintance with my Heavenly Father! I have disrespected and dishonored Him. He is The King! Creator of the Universe and my Lord! I choose this day to be a slave for Christ. I choose to be His humble servant.
I am not worthy to even be in His presence, but I will kneel before Him and annoint His feet with my tears and wipe them with my hair. I choose to be on my face before Him and I will love Him through my obedience. Praise God that He loves me and doesn't ever give up on me, but draws me ever to His embrace.
Whom do you choose to serve this day?