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Monday, September 18th 2006

1:14 PM

I've been struggling with BSID

  • Days without sugar... 1/2 a day

What is BSID you ask? Well, it isn't B.S. Identification. BSID is an acronym for Blood Sugar Induced Depression. I coined that the other day when I realized I had spiraled down yet again. I've been out of control lately with eating sugary foods and as is the common consequence, depression hit. You see, your blood sugar levels affect your brain. When your blood sugar goes haywire, it can starve your brain and cause foggy thinking, severe mood swings, and depression among other things (like fatigue and headaches, etc.).

I've been in a vicious cycle of not sleeping much at night, dropping from exhaustion midday, giddy one second and crying the next. It's a rollercoaster ride that isn't thrilling. I've gotten to the point where I think about what I can have next that is sugary. It's like an addict needing the next 'hit' which brings on a high and then a mega low. After days like this, you pretty much stay low which is when the depression hits.

I recognize this cycle, but I tend towards being Queen of Denial. I'm a quick study at Rationalization. But the deeper issue isn't really the sugar even though that causes physical problems.

No, the real issue here is that I've been wrestling with God for control again. I've wanted to do it my way. Around and around we go. I let God have control and then like a child I demand my own way. He allows me to take off on my own course and I know it grieves him that I think I can do it better.

It isn't a conscious thought to take control because when I stop and think about it, I KNOW God's way is better. I KNOW I only flub it when I'm in charge. The problem is that I don't go through this thought process. I start out following and then I make a decision either without thinking through the consequences or by ignoring the consequences (remember Rationalization and Denial?).

Pretty soon I'm standing there looking around at the mess and feeling guilty because I walked away from God and his way. And that is where I am now. Standing here (or rather sitting at the moment) looking around at my mess physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It isn't pretty.

It's like walking along and stepping in quicksand. I know I shouldn't, but I figure what the heck. It's not going to be bad. Then I sink a little. No worries. It's only around my ankles - NOT a big deal. I continue to walk this way and pretty soon it's around my knees. I look around hoping no one sees the mess I'm in - embarrassed to be in this position once again. I squirm and wiggle to get my legs loose and sink even more.

It's at my waist now and I'm starting to panic a bit. But I'm determined to fix this myself. I mean, I created the problem, so I should be able to correct it myself, right? It's still under control. I fight a bit harder, clawing for a handhold on something with which to pull myself out. I'm flailing, sinking, fighting, sinking and before long, I realize I'm not in control. The circumstance I'm in has control. My control was an illusion. I'm in a huge mess and the only way out is to humble myself and ask God to pull me out. To ask him to clean me up and put me on the right path once again.

I sigh and hang my head.

"Lord, I surrender to you. Please, take my mess and fix it. I can't keep going in this direction."

 I am thankful that he is faithful to answer my cry for help. He tosses me a lifeline, pulls me out and washes me clean with the blood from his death on the cross. I'm clean again. He takes me by the hand and leads me to the right path and we walk together again with him leading and I'm happily following. I feel the peace settle over me and joy wells up inside.

"Lord, how do I stop this cycle? Why do I do this over and over and OVER again?"

Why indeed. It's because I make one decision that I know is wrong, but I excuse it. Then it is easier to make another because the consequence for the first wasn't so bad. Pretty soon I've veered off course and I'm stepping one foot after another in the wrong direction until I hit the quicksand.

I really need to go to the cross with each decision. Will it be my fleshly desire or God's way? One moment of illusion or the real deal? I will face this tendency of mine with one decision at a time. I hope and I pray that I make the right choice this time. And then I will repeat this step. And then again and again.

The more I make the right decision to follow him, the fewer times I'll find myself sinking. When I find myself beginning to sink, I have a choice right then to turn and walk away while I still can.

My first decision is to have no sugary food this week. Then I will make the next decision based on what I know is right without Rationalization. I'm giving away my Queen of Denial crown and putting on the royal crown of a Princess belonging to the King of Kings.

Detox won't be pretty, but I will rely on God's strength to help me overcome.

10 More Meandering Minds.

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Posted by Claire Andrews:

I hope things are going well now!
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Friday, December 22nd 2006 @ 5:04 PM

Posted by Aloha GA Girl:

Oh, Audra,

I have been really with you these past few weeks. Tomorrow would have been my Audrey Grace's third birthday and I have been "self-medicating" with food/sweets. I see that now. I know she is better off where she is, but I just don't want to "feel" her being gone, so I have been eating again. My mood swings have been horrible and my heart is numb.

Thanks for pointing that out to me. I'm about neck deep at the moment. Would you pray for me?

Sherry
Saturday, October 14th 2006 @ 6:19 PM

Posted by Audra Silva:

Peggy, I'm so glad what I wrote touched your heart. I've been missing you!
Wednesday, September 20th 2006 @ 9:02 AM

Posted by A Mother's Love by Peggy:

Audra, you wrote: "It's at my waist now and I'm starting to panic a bit. But I'm determined to fix this myself. I mean, I created the problem, so I should be able to correct it myself, right? It's still under control. I fight a bit harder, clawing for a handhold on something with which to pull myself out. I'm flailing, sinking, fighting, sinking and before long, I realize I'm not in control. The circumstance I'm in has control. My control was an illusion. I'm in a huge mess and the only way out is to humble myself and ask God to pull me out. To ask him to clean me up and put me on the right path once again.

I sigh and hang my head."

I think I need to print that out and read it daily. You almost made me cry, your words were so brutally honest. It was like looking in the mirror. Chilling...
Tuesday, September 19th 2006 @ 10:12 PM

Posted by Audra Silva:

Hi Gina - I've tried Splenda, but I've decided to not use any of that stuff. Splenda gave me a headache. I do use Stevia some, but I'm currently out. Anyway, I know all about managing the hypoglycemia - I've just been giving in to my flesh and ignoring God's direction. Not wise. :)
Monday, September 18th 2006 @ 7:09 PM

Posted by Gina:

Have you tried Splenda?? That's been my saving grace when I crave something sweet. With all the "low carb" choices out there, it makes it easier to be a hypoglycemic in this world of sugar addicts!!! haha. Thankfully, I never developed a strong sweet tooth- I'd rather have salsa!!- so it's not a huge struggle, but I do still "cheat" once in a while... but I'm strategic about it. I know what time of day I can enjoy a "treat" without experiencing severe ramifications. It's usually toward the end of the day, when I'm winding down anyhow- so a sugar low actually helps me sleep sounder. I just drink a glass of soymilk (regular milk would work)in the a.m. to stave off any morning nausea that is sometimes a result of waking up with low blood sugar. Either that, or an ounce (shot glass) of juice.
You just learn to manage it over it time.
And I've learned- if its not in the house, it doesn't go in the mouth!!! haha.
BTW- Breyer's makes a WONDERFUL sugar-free (splenda) ice-cream... you cannot taste the difference.
I sort of think like I'm a diabetic... which, if I'm not careful- I WILL be. Hypoglycemia often changes over about middle age. That's motivation enough- besides how I feel- to keep me on track. Diabetes is scary.
Hang in there!! and if you need support- you've got it from your fellow hypoglycemic here!!!!!
Monday, September 18th 2006 @ 3:41 PM

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