What is BSID you ask? Well, it isn't B.S. Identification. BSID is an acronym for Blood Sugar Induced Depression. I coined that the other day when I realized I had spiraled down yet again. I've been out of control lately with eating sugary foods and as is the common consequence, depression hit. You see, your blood sugar levels affect your brain. When your blood sugar goes haywire, it can starve your brain and cause foggy thinking, severe mood swings, and depression among other things (like fatigue and headaches, etc.).
I've been in a vicious cycle of not sleeping much at night, dropping from exhaustion midday, giddy one second and crying the next. It's a rollercoaster ride that isn't thrilling. I've gotten to the point where I think about what I can have next that is sugary. It's like an addict needing the next 'hit' which brings on a high and then a mega low. After days like this, you pretty much stay low which is when the depression hits.
I recognize this cycle, but I tend towards being Queen of Denial. I'm a quick study at Rationalization. But the deeper issue isn't really the sugar even though that causes physical problems.
No, the real issue here is that I've been wrestling with God for control again. I've wanted to do it my way. Around and around we go. I let God have control and then like a child I demand my own way. He allows me to take off on my own course and I know it grieves him that I think I can do it better.
It isn't a conscious thought to take control because when I stop and think about it, I KNOW God's way is better. I KNOW I only flub it when I'm in charge. The problem is that I don't go through this thought process. I start out following and then I make a decision either without thinking through the consequences or by ignoring the consequences (remember Rationalization and Denial?).
Pretty soon I'm standing there looking around at the mess and feeling guilty because I walked away from God and his way. And that is where I am now. Standing here (or rather sitting at the moment) looking around at my mess physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It isn't pretty.
It's like walking along and stepping in quicksand. I know I shouldn't, but I figure what the heck. It's not going to be bad. Then I sink a little. No worries. It's only around my ankles - NOT a big deal. I continue to walk this way and pretty soon it's around my knees. I look around hoping no one sees the mess I'm in - embarrassed to be in this position once again. I squirm and wiggle to get my legs loose and sink even more.
It's at my waist now and I'm starting to panic a bit. But I'm determined to fix this myself. I mean, I created the problem, so I should be able to correct it myself, right? It's still under control. I fight a bit harder, clawing for a handhold on something with which to pull myself out. I'm flailing, sinking, fighting, sinking and before long, I realize I'm not in control. The circumstance I'm in has control. My control was an illusion. I'm in a huge mess and the only way out is to humble myself and ask God to pull me out. To ask him to clean me up and put me on the right path once again.
I sigh and hang my head.
"Lord, I surrender to you. Please, take my mess and fix it. I can't keep going in this direction."
I am thankful that he is faithful to answer my cry for help. He tosses me a lifeline, pulls me out and washes me clean with the blood from his death on the cross. I'm clean again. He takes me by the hand and leads me to the right path and we walk together again with him leading and I'm happily following. I feel the peace settle over me and joy wells up inside.
"Lord, how do I stop this cycle? Why do I do this over and over and OVER again?"
Why indeed. It's because I make one decision that I know is wrong, but I excuse it. Then it is easier to make another because the consequence for the first wasn't so bad. Pretty soon I've veered off course and I'm stepping one foot after another in the wrong direction until I hit the quicksand.
I really need to go to the cross with each decision. Will it be my fleshly desire or God's way? One moment of illusion or the real deal? I will face this tendency of mine with one decision at a time. I hope and I pray that I make the right choice this time. And then I will repeat this step. And then again and again.
The more I make the right decision to follow him, the fewer times I'll find myself sinking. When I find myself beginning to sink, I have a choice right then to turn and walk away while I still can.
My first decision is to have no sugary food this week. Then I will make the next decision based on what I know is right without Rationalization. I'm giving away my Queen of Denial crown and putting on the royal crown of a Princess belonging to the King of Kings.
Detox won't be pretty, but I will rely on God's strength to help me overcome.