My husband and I are discussing some decisions we might be making and a couple of the things he has said recently had gotten me worried and a little tense. I kept it to myself because I didn't quite know what it was I was feeling. This morning he said it again and I felt almost paniced over it, but again, I didn't feel I should bring up my feelings on the matter.
I don't like feeling unsettled so, I took it all to the Lord this morning and came to realize something about myself. I like to have ALL of the answers before I do something -children's educational plans, writing, home church, my faith- everything needed to be all figured out before I felt like I could take a step. I rarely took steps and if I did, I usually quit because I didn't know where I was heading.
Phew...what a revelation that was for me. And how utterly arrogant of me to think I could figure out all the answers on my own, that my plans would result in anything worthy, and that I could do it all on my own and in my own strength. I've apologized yet again to the Lord for being stubborn, hard headed, and foolish yet again. I thanked him for caring enough to keep drawing me back to his ways, to keep cleaning up the messes I've made, and for having the patience when I would have given up on me long ago. (If you ever want to know how to parent, learn how God does it.)
Apart from God, I am nothing. My ways are chaotic, disjointed, unfocused, foolish, etc.. But God's ways are crystal clear, focused, organized, wise and there is peace for the one who chooses to step out and obey even when she doesn't have the answers. All I need is faith that God knows what's going on, knows the outcome, knows what's best and that's the only answer I need. I need an obedient and surrendered heart and time spent at his feet learning his ways, getting to know who he is and listening to him speak in his quiet voice.
I choose to rest in him, seek him, trust him and obey him. Everything else I place in his hands. I'll focus on today and let him plan tomorrow.