It's 5:52 as I start to write this and I've already been up for an hour. I'm dead tired, but wide awake. So much is tripping through my mind as is always the case which makes it hard to go back to sleep.
This is the only time of day where the house is completely silent and still. No one is awake, except for me. It's peaceful and I look expectantly to the day ahead although I never know what I'm going to get. And I don't always make the right choice in how I respond to that day. Life is so short and fragile, yet we fill it with so much junk and we do so much damage with our tongues a wagging. Why is that?
Selfishness I guess. A need to be better than the other person. A drive to be successful or have more. Or maybe we busy ourselves with those things that aren't important to excuse ignoring those things which really matter in life. Like God. Or our husbands. Or our kids. Or our writing. Or our photography. Or those hopes and dreams that spark in our imagination only to die in our neglect.
Let's get back to God. I've been neglecting him. I want to know him so deeply, but not when it costs me. Costs me time. Costs obedience. Costs going to the cross and dying to myself. It sounds so hard and painful yet, I'm my happiest at those times. But I still deny him or turn away and follow my own agenda. I'm stubborn I guess. I definitely don't have my best interest at heart. If I did, I'd be right there in the shadow of the cross laying it all out for him and letting him do what he wants with me. Do I lack trust? It seems I know in my head I can trust him, but I still hide my heart in fear. How do we get our head and heart to line up with each other?
Surrender I guess. I need to surrender again. Maybe I need to surrender on a daily basis. Maybe even moment by moment if need be. I think I'll surrender right now and go kneel before him and just listen as Mary did.