Listening to Coyote Ugly Soundtrack...
I can't believe my last post was November 3rd! I was three days into the NaNoWriMo challenge and going strong. Then life intruded. I had been struggling with vertigo for several weeks and nothing seemed to clear it up. Then the doctor laid a shocker on me: brain tumor. Those are not the words you want to hear when you are thinking simple ear infection. He ordered an MRI and I really wasn't sure if I could handle that since I tend to be claustrophobic a bit. EVERYONE told me to take meds and how HORRIBLE it is even for those not claustrophobic. The doc said if I did take the med...I wouldn't be able to nurse for 8 hours. Okay..not ideal but doable I thought.
I honestly did not believe I had a tumor and neither did Bob. We felt this was a waste of time (AND MONEY), but wisdom says, rule it out. I prayed hard about whether I would need the pills or not and I felt complete peace about going in the machine and didn't feel I needed them. Bob told me to take them in case so I did. Bob drove me there sweet man that he is so I wouldn't have to be alone. Then a migraine started to hit and a friend said those would help with the migraine. Since the machine is notorously loud, I figured I might as well pop one in.
As the tech walked me back, she mentioned that I wouldn't be able to nurse for TWO DAYS! Hello. My response: I don't think so. LOL I walked back to the waiting room not knowing what to do. I wanted the MRI to prove I did in fact have a brain in there...er..I mean to DISprove I had a brain TUMOR in there. I knew if I went ahead, this could possibly end nursing my son and I wasn't sure either of us were ready. Even though he was 19 months by then, he was still nursing on demand day and night (not to mention it was holding my fertility at bay lol).
Bob and I felt it was important to go ahead and get the MRI and Bob felt he was old enough to wean now. I think Bob was ready to have his wife back.
Anyway, I went back there and cried a bit (some of you women will understand how difficult this was for me) and the lady graciously ignored my tears and quietly explained everything. I told her I wasn't usually sappy, but this was a bit of a shocker and she understood. Anyway, I went into the machine eyes closed and dealt with my emotions. Then I began to get curious about the machine and began listening to it (sounded like the cross between a washing machine and a jack hammer lol) and even peeked. It was incredibly close to my face, but I found the whole thing so relaxing.
I've since scheduled an appointment once a week for a relaxing break from stress. Just kidding lol, but it was that relaxing. Shortly after I got home, the pill I took hit (a wee bit LATE dontcha think?) and I took a looooong nap.
My poor son had a miserable next few days and didn't understand why he suddenly couldn't nurse at all. The first night, he cried so hard and I just held him and then he finally fell asleep lying on the floor with his head in my lap with an occasional hitch in his breathing.
Then he woke a few hours later wanting to nurse again and again I said no. He started screaming and crying and fighting to nurse. I calmly said no and rubbed his back and his hair. He finally realized I wasn't giving in and then he crawled off the bed and under my night table and wouldn't let me touch him. My heart broke.
If only he could understand what I was telling him. Bob came and got him and walked with him until he calmed down and then brought him back. At first he wouldn't come near me and then he finally fell against me and sob/hiccuped to sleep. I joined him. We woke a few more times and each time got a little easier. The last few times, he would put his arms around my neck and hold me close and kiss me over and over as he fell asleep. At these times, I praised God for giving me such a precious gift during such a long night.
The next few days were tough, but Bob and the girls rallied around and we all kept Jake as distracted as possible. I would tell him no nursey, owie which helped him realize that he couldn't and not because I didn't want him to. After the two days, I did nurse him again, but not at night since we had already survived that. I also took a couple of weeks and weaned him gently more on our terms. We would probably still be nursing at this point, but I know God works everything to our good and I trust him.
Stay tuned for the next post...this has gotten long.